Reading up on new tax rules it seems clear to me that my "domestic partner" benefits should now be treated as "married couple" benefits since we were married in a state that recognizes same-sex marriage. This is related to pre-tax deductions, I think. I can't get my company to engage in a conversation about this yet...what can I do?
If you're married in a State/country where your marriage is legally recognized, you're married according to the Federal law. You should receive the same benefits as any other married couple.
Domestic partners receive imputed income on spousal benefit. For Federal purposes this income should be removed. If your company keeps reporting it - work with your tax adviser on how to prepare your tax return properly, removing it and explaining to the IRS why the numbers on W2 won't match.